Back from Chatsworth

I've just discovered Neko Case. I'm listening to her for the first time right now (although it's her fourth album... I'm a little slow to the hep cat music scene).

Usually, I like music for lyrics first, melodies second. It took me a long time to realize that not everyone is as into the lyrics as I am. Same reason I love poetry.

Anyway, I'm not listening to the lyrics as much as the sound this time. Not that I didn't immediately look up the lyrics too; they are wonderful. But her sound is wonderful. Kind of that folk kind of sound, without the Peter, Paul and Mary quality. Music I bet I'll be singing along to in a few days.

I have a horrible headache right now, but advil will take care of that. I've have a low grade headache for days now. I get those instead of migraines most of the time. Actually it is a kind of migraine; but one that doesn't explode all at once.

I'm struggling with my decision about the Fulbright Teacher Exchange application. See, I now have 15 days to get it all in. Including my letters of reference. And, if I ask people to put in time for me, writing things up, and I work my ass off getting paperwork finished, and the school board doesn't send in my application approval, it's all for naught.

Do I want to call the whole thing off? Wait another year just to apply and another year after that to actually go if they choose me? Do I want to admit defeat? After I've told so many people what I'm planning on doing? Do I give up before I get let down?

Isn't that the eternal question? I'm not known as someone who tries something she doesn't think she'll accomplish. There's a reason I don't know how to surf.

When I do set my mind to something, I do stick to it like glue. I actually refer to myself as the Queen of Second Chances.

After I graduated from UCSB, I got a job as a residential instructor in a group home for behavior-disordered, developmentally disabled, young adults. I know, what a mouthful. As a housewarming gift, the night before I moved in, one of the clients (residents) broke every window in the house. Only a 23-year-old would sign on for such a job.

Anyway, about six months in, a friend of mine, who was teaching in Japan, said I should apply to the same school. I thought, "why not?" and applied. Went through the whole interview process, they flew me to Chicago for my first real "grown up" interview and all, and... I didn't get the job.

I'd worked and lived at the group home for 15 months total before I was contacted by the Kobe College Corporation again. Seems the woman they'd chosen instead of me had had a breakdown over there, and was I still interested? They were desperate, I was still interested, and off I went.

After I got back, I fiddled around for three years, trying to avoid becoming a teacher. I knew how crappy the pay was, how long the hours were, and how we were looked at more like volunteers than professionals. I wanted no part of it. Except it's who I was.

I applied to graduate school, had years of teaching experience, and ... didn't get accepted. Basically, white women are a dime a dozen in English Teacher Education programs, and they had a quota. Yeah, I could've made a big deal about it, but I do believe kids need to see adults that reflect themselves; and I don't reflect the life of my lower-income, Latino students.

Another year, I got in.

Then, I had a great student teaching assignment. I worked with a legend in the district, and she liked me. There were going to be three openings at the same school where I was placed, so as far as I was concerned, I was in like Flynn.

Except I wasn't. Less than 24 hours after my interview, I'd received a letter basically stating, "thanks but no thanks." Not even a "We'll keep your resume on file." Later I found out that I came off as rather cold. Me! Cold? God, disorganized yes, but cold? Wow. The exact words used to describe my interview? "She didn't appear to have good intentionality." I know. I don't think that's a word either.

Again, luck was with me however. My master teacher, the legend, went storming to the principal's office when she found out I hadn't been hired (that's how I know how my interview was described) and one of the applicants offered a position at our school didn't take it.

Voila. I'm hired.

So, I'm not what anyone would call a "golden girl." I don't impress on first sight or first meeting. I take a while to get used to. I know my strength is my ability to keep going for something I want.

I do want this Exchange. But do I want it now, with all the headache it entails, or am I willing to wait another year just to apply?

Where's the magic 8 ball when I need it?