Thirteen Thursday # 14

(As promised) Thirteen things I would like to change about myself.

1) Resentment. That great memory I talked about last week? It works on bad stuff too. I hold grudges far too long. If I’ve been wronged, or feel I’ve been wronged, I never forget it. It sits and festers. I know, I know, the whole poisoning myself and hoping the rat will die. I want to change, just don’t know how.

2) Worry that people don’t like me. A friend of mine calls this my “Nerd Complex.” I sometimes feel that everyone just tolerates me. Could be why I don’t directly confront the folks I should, and thing # 1 happens.

3) My big fat aspirin ass. The secretary at work used that expression once, and it describes mine well. Round and flat. It looks like it might have been a nice one in theory, then got smashed flat somehow before it was finished being formed.

4) Procrastination. I will do anything to get out of grading papers. Anything. Every time I actually sit down and do it, it’s not so bad, but still, I avoid grading like I avoid snakes and cockroaches. I read somewhere this week that the only reason they have to pay teachers is the grading.

5) My dateless status. But you all know that already.

6) The extra weight. Still going to Weight Watchers, still plugging along. Weight is such a loaded issue; there’s the whole “quit whining” crowd with, “Eat less, move more,” and then there’s the whole “love your body the way it is” crowd with, “You have to love your body the way it is first.” Neither one is enough. I wonder sometimes, why is there more sympathy for the addiction of smokers than there is for overeaters?

7) I’d like to not to have to wear glasses. Looking into Lasik, but it’s so darn expensive.

8) The inability to save much money. Again, I’m working on it, and I’ve been slowly paying off bills, but still have very little savings. The idea that one is supposed to have at least six months in reserve is just out of sight for me at the moment.

9) My lack of housekeeping skills. I live alone, so any mess is mine, all mine. I say I suffer from C.H.A.O.S., or Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome, because of it. There are just far too many more interesting things than cleaning my home.

10) I’d like to have more of a social life. Ever since I turned 40, it feels like I don’t have a gang to hang with anymore. Even my younger friends are all coupled-up, and what would you rather do? Go out with your bitter single friend, or home to your significant other? Most of the friends my age have children, and a big night for them is eating pizza and renting a movie. Which is fine, but I do that by myself all the time anyway.

11) My lack of organizational skills. Actually, I do have them, just look at my closets or my drawers. It’s just that if something doesn’t have a place to be put, or isn’t put there right away, it’s a lost cause. My students will even remark on the fact that I lose things. I’m going to become like my grandmother, wandering the house for her glasses, when all the while they’re on top of her head.

12) Materialism. I have gotten better about this, but I still like buying shiny new things. However, something I’ve noticed this year, since I’m making more money? I’m less tempted to spend. How does that make sense?

13) Okay, don’t laugh. I’d like to exchange my stubby, nail-polish repelling fingertips for long, tapered ones. I had those fake acrylic nails for 10 years, if you can believe it. I’m not going to do that again, but… I have two friends, Carol and Cynthia, with lovely hands, and beautiful nails, just naturally. My stumpy hands go along with my stumpy feet. Yes, they are strong, capable hands (cue Jewel’s song about same), but gosh, it’d be nice if they were elegant.