Thanks for the comments y'all... maybe there is something to that study that says that January 24th is the lowest day of the year.
What's so hard is feeling crummy, and yet feeling as if I don't have the right to feel crummy. You know, "just feeling sorry for myself" and all that.
It doesn't change the fact that I've been inside all day. That of the four people I asked yesterday to do something this weekend, all had something else to do or they would "let me know." That the only person I've spoken to today has been my landlady, wanting to make sure I sweep up the leaves in front of my door before the rain washes them into the gutter.
It's as if there are people for whom gestures are made, and the people who are the makers of those gestures. I'm certainly not in the first group.
What do I mean by that? I mean the little cards that show I'm thinking of you. The five dollar Starbucks card, just to give someone a little treat. Asking someone out for a drink at the end of the week. The tiny little box of valentine hearts, to make someone smile. The inside joke.
The phone call.
For the last few weeks I've been trying to get outside myself when I've been down. You know, do something nice for someone else, feel good about myself by helping others...
It's not really working anymore.
Instead of being appreciated, I feel taken for granted. Or worse, just an obligation.
And you all know I'm not talking about this blog thing. That's different, since I know so few of you in RL anyway.
It's just like aw, Becky's always there. She'll do it. She'll be there, she won't mind, we can count on her. I'll talk to her later.
But, does anyone really look forward to seeing me, talking to me, the way I do them?
That's the heart of the matter folks.
Icky place.
Oh yeah, the headache? Came back this morning for another four hours... guess at least one thing missed me.
6 comments:
As the mom of two kids, one dog and a really spoiled hubby, I totally understand the whole taken for granted thing. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Saying no (or F*** off!) sometimes keeps people where they belong. You need to put yourself first. That's why you are getting the headaches.
You need to be your own ray of sunshine. Tell everyone else to bite it, you're on Vacation. Remember that old 80's ditty by Charlene, "I've been to paradise but I've never been to me." Go to you.
I really shouldn't drink wine and comment on blogs. Or maybe I should. hahah!
I love a rainy day. And I think that you're relying too heavily on the behaviour of others for your own happiness. You've given the ability of making yourself happy to others. But somehow, it's got to come from yourself.
I know, easier said than done.
True, I don't know you in RL, but I find it hard to believe that people really imagine you in the negative ways that you propose here.
I also agree with Torn about making yourself happy. Yeah, I know: GayProf, heal thy self.
Still, part of this ennui might be related to an uncertainty on your part about what you want from your own life. Start from scratch -- If you were just being born, what advice would you give to the infant you? Which two or three people would you want to be sure were in your life? Who need not apply again? What would you select as a career? What people, whom you do not yet know, would you want to add (as vague generalities -- obviously you can't name specific people because, well, you don't know them yet)? Decide the things and people that make you happy and organize your life along those lines.
It's hard as hell to be single at these times. Because even staying in and watching bad tv seems at little better when someone's there. However, not everyone realizes when you need them, as opposed to are just in the mood to go out. I don't know if you did this, but sometimes saying to someone "I feel down" or "I really need to see you and get out this week-end" puts a different spin on things for them. Especially people who are in relationships or have kids - they often crave alone time and don't get the other side. I had two friends reach out to me this year (one called me in tears on Christmas) and I'm grateful that they did. Yet I have *so* much trouble reaching out myself.
You sound like an amazing friend in that you do seem to sense how to let people know they are loved and cared for. Many people though just need little hints. Of course if they don't take them, then it's time to invest energy into making new friends.
Chunks: What's my excuse? I live alone except for the Wonder Dog.
Oh, and I always sing that Charlene song if I'm at a Kareoke bar... along with "It Must Be Him" by Vikki Carr.
Torn: Even as a kid I never understood the thinking of liking yourself before others can like you. I mean, if no one likes me, than how am I going to like myself? and if I don't like myself, then am I doomed forever to have others dislike me? It was a puzzle.
I think it's more that I don't feel appreciated, rather than liked.
gayprof: Always with the interesting questions. Sounds like a good post idea. And not only my own (hint hint).
em: I love you. Thank you for being so kind. And... I don't know... allowing me to be...
Snooze: You're right. And really, it's been time to try and make new friends for a while. I don't really fit in anywhere at the moment; not interested in a lot of the 30-year-old singles' nightlife, and not at all a part of my 40-year-old married with kids lives.
Just a bit lost at the moment.
My therapist called this a "downward spiral," because first you feel down, then you're depressed or upset because you're down, and that pushes you lower, ad infinitum.
The key seems to be forgiving yourself for not being happy 24x7x365. No one can. As Em said, admit you're down. Accept that you're down, and realize that it's okay to be down.
Think about your bedding. Do you think your comforter is depressed because it's always down? Ba-dum-bum! (please don't hurt me)
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