I'm gingerly walking around that hole right now.
Being around someone who's feeling low isn't fun... and my friends are proving it. I know I'm a drag to be around right now; and then spending time alone with my head isn't helping the situation any.
Tuesday night I lost it. On the phone with my mother, I was told that my sister wanted me to "plan" the baby shower for her in two weeks because I "love that kind of stuff."
No, not really. Yes, I'm good at it. but I don't live to party plan. Lately it's the last thing I want to do.
I want two full days just to myself. Two days when I don't have to grade papers, or help someone or be somewhere or pay bills or clean the house. And then, I realize I don't want to be alone. I want to be with friends. I want to go with a group to dinner or play poker and laugh my head off.
Neither one of those things is happening right now.
I didn't really lose it because of my sister's request. I lost it because I'm so worried and scared about my friend D. I don't have a family of my own, and while everyone's friends are important to them, to me they are everything. I'm feeling pretty damn fucking alone right now.
Not too dramatic now, am I?
I had tunnel vision during lunch yesterday, then a migraine for 24 hours. That's right people. 24 hours.
It's only the 5th or 6th real one I've had in my life, but a doozy.
Yet I taught through it. Six classes of 32 teenagers.
And here I am, Friday night, ripping my CD's to my computer, and writing a sad little, self-centered post.
Oh yeah, I'm fun stuff.
7 comments:
Can you say No to the party planning without feeling guilty? Because you should.
I think a little wallowing is good for the soul sometimes. It makes you appreciate your happy moments that much more.
I think what you really want is to just be You for a couple of days and to not worry about commitments etc. Hence the migraine. It's your body's way of saying "Um, no bitch, this is what we doin'!" (Or whatever dialect your body uses...)
Heed the warnings! Stay home. Rip discs, rip farts, rip old love letters up. Let 'er rip.
I hope you feel better soon. Or I hope you slap the hell out of someone then blog about it. I'll take you anyway I can! (Did that sound as dirty when you just read it as it did when I read it back to myself?) I'm signing off because obviously I am losing it!
I hate swirling in the quagmire of bad feelings. I hope you can get out. Skype me in the morning, kay?
Well, you know I feel what you are putting down. That feeling of both needing to be surrounded by loved-ones and also wanting to just be left alone is unsettling.
As for the party, I can understand why that would irritate. Not only is it a lot of work, but it also comes with a bag of assumptions. There is a presumption that you are always happy, cheerful, and accommodating. This vision doesn't allow for your current state of mind.
There seems to be a lot of darkness swirling around the blogosphere. I blame El Niño.
Things will get better -- I promise.
Chunks said it: if you don't want to plan the baby shower, don't do it. Please take care of yourself. Avoid or ignore or beg out of the obligations and distractions and frustrations. Everyone needs some "me-time" every once in a while.
Something I hate: when people expect me to be happy and cheerful all the time, 24x7x365. No one is. Please don't expect it of yourself.
It's a bitch to feel alone. I know we can't come there and play poker with ya, but we're here! Too bad we don't live closer. I could really use a chicas day out today.
Your Friday evening sounded like it was a needed chance to recoup - try to be gentle with yourself and not label your activities as if they should have been more. I know that feeling of sliding into the abyss though. It colours everything (or perhaps removes colour from every activity is more apt)
Like Gayproof said it seems to be going around. I'm dealing with 30 year old shit, that I just blogged about, and only now processing through it. It's a bitch but seems really necessary.
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