Yesterday

So, I wrote a bit yesterday, went to my mother's for Easter Brunch, then took the Wonder Dog for a walk. I was exhausted from the night before. We finally got back from the game at 1 am, and by then, Charlie was ready to run around and play. So, every hour or so, he jumped out of bed, and ran through the house, barking at imagined bobcats or robbers.

I had to be at my mother's at 10 am. ugh.

After the walk, I came home, vegged on the sofa, and finally went to take a nap at 3 o'clock. Woke up at 7, did some laundry and house cleaning, finally back to bed at 11 pm. Not a very productive day, but at least I caught up on my sleep.

Still mulling over my new perception of things. It would be easy right now to just get cynical about the state of my life because of my new information.

For me, the problem is this: has any man ever truly loved me? I know, that sounds dramatic, but it's what's going on in my head.

Oh yeah, I know, lots of people love me, but that's not the kind of love I'm talking about. I sound like I did at 16 and at 24 and at 30. Fucking broken record. However, it's still a concern, a question, a ponderation, if you will.

What the hell happened? I'm smart, funny, care about other people. I have a big heart, I'm generous, kind, empathetic, and not repulsive to look at. How did cupid just totally miss me? What's going on?

Don't tell me I'm having a pity party for myself, and don't tell me to "get out there" and do what I love. I already do. I've always been independent. Please please don't say, "When it's time, it'll happen."

Bullshit.

It's been time for a long time. I have tried the on line dating route, tried blind dates, tried just being content with being by myself; you know, the "no one will love you until you love yourself" crap. I do love myself. I think I'm a pretty cool person. Men just haven't noticed that. Or the men that do, aren't interested in me as anything other than a friend.

There's nothing anyone can say that I haven't heard before.

Basically, I've been trying to follow my own little goofy star, and keep up the hope that someone else's goofy little star and mine will cross paths.

My friends, the hope is wearing thin.