Good news all around

So, my sister and another person very close to me are both pregnant. Both told me last week, within a few days of the other. They are due almost the same day.

I have unbelievable mixed feelings about it. Of course I'm happy for them, but at the same time, very sad that this hasn't happened for me. I know it's not about me, and I keep telling myself that, but then I hear a stupid song on the radio, or read a poem, or even see a picture of a baby and start weeping.

Being sad shouldn't be something to be ashamed of; yet I am. As if I'm selfish to think of myself at all. I am thrilled that I'm going to be an aunt. I'm thrilled that my family is going to continue on. I'm thrilled my friend is going to have a child.

But in the back of my head, the thought keeps going through my head, "Why not me?"

If I believed in reincarnation (and I'm not sure I don't), I would think I must have done something absolutely rotten in my last life. You know, so in this life, I don't deserve to find a partner, or have children and a family.

That's me being dramatic. I know it. But, just putting it off to "bad luck" only goes so far. I know I'm a good person. I bring a lot to the table, yet no one so far has wanted what I have to offer. I've been in love a couple of times, had my heart broken a couple of times, but for the last several years, nothing.

Dry spell doesn't begin to describe it.

At one point a gay friend and I talked seriously about having a child together. Then he moved. Far away. Poof. There went that chance. I'm not one to have a child on my own. I don't have the finances to stay home, and I don't want to have a child without a father.

So it's a choice I've made. Sort of.

Yesterday I bailed out on a wine tasting trip with my friend Michelle. She and I had set it up last week. Her dad was visiting, and the three of us were going to spend the afternoon together. Well, Monday she called to tell me when she was going to pick me up; and told me that her friend Layla and her 18-month old baby were coming with us. Layla is also six months pregnant. What pregnant woman goes wine tasting with a toddler? And Layla is Michelle's friend, not mine. Michelle has done this before, made plans with me, and then invited other friends of hers along without telling me.

Normally, I'd just be irritated, but this time I was truly disappointed. See, I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone, because each of the people I would want to talk to is either expecting the child, is the mother of a daughter expecting the child, or on vacation. I knew I could talk to Michelle. But with pregnant Layla and her baby, I couldn't even talk to her. It was going to be all about if the baby was hungry or tired or needed to be changed or what cravings Layla had, or if she had to pee again...

I'm being quite bitchy now, but I just couldn't face it. I called Michelle yesterday and told her I'd had too much to drink the night before and couldn't go. She cheerily said, "Okay, then we'll just go Wednesday."

Long pause from my end.

See, lying always gets one in trouble. I tried to tell her that I hadn't known that her friend and baby were coming along, and that it just seemed too crowded...

Still didn't work. She thought I was being a bitch (I suppose I was).

Finally I told her. I just couldn't face spending several hours with pregnant Layla and her child. I tried to explain why, but I don't think Michelle really understood.


"If you can't fix it, you've got to stand it."

That's a quote from Brokeback Mountain, a movie that will stay with me quite a while.

I've got to figure out a way to stand this being alone.