Trying again

Okay, so yesterday I didn't get to what I wanted to talk about; I'm going to try again today. Here's the question: When do other's needs and comfort levels become more important than our own?

I find so often in my little world, that people are so concerned with their own immediate desires that they dismiss anyone else's. Kindness is forgotten in the pursuit of personal demands.

Having been the recipient of this lack of kindness many times in my life, I try hard (and only sometimes successfully) to keep kindness in my life. When I meet a man who's kind, I am very impressed, and usually attracted to him.

This isn't to say that I'm the poster child for kindness and thoughtfulness; I have been known to hurt others feelings unintentionally because I didn't think enough ahead to see how someone else might interpret my words or actions. And that is a kind of carelessness. Yes, we can't always guess how another will react to what we do, but we can try.

Back to the question above. Where is the line? Where do you draw the line between you and other people when it comes to kindness?

An example. There's a woman at school, and I don't care for her. I've worked with her for almost 10 years, and at first I couldn't explain it. She tries to be friendly, but something about her bugged me. I felt guilty about not liking her, since I had no good reason I could articulate for that dislike. She wore far too much perfume, so I avoided sitting next to her at lunchtime, but again, not a reason for dislike. However, over the years, I've found that my instinct was right. She's not nice to the students she works with, and she butts into conversations she's not a part of. It feels sometimes that she's eavesdropping, but I don't think she intends that.

Okay. So almost every year I have a Christmas party at my house. I invite everyone at work to come. My friend Michelle asked me, "Why'd you invite Sally? I thought you didn't like her?"

And there's my little act of kindness. I may not care for Sally, but I don't want to intentionally hurt her feelings. I invite everyone from school, because I don't want anyone to feel left out. The people who are my friends come, and the people I don't socialize with, don't come. Yes, there's one or two people that attend that I wouldn't hang out with otherwise, but is two hours with them in my house with a bunch of other people so horrible that I would risk hurting their feelings? No.

This is a tiny thing. I know I'm not going to change the world with this. Again though, it goes back to what's more important; our feelings or other's feelings? I don't think there's an answer. They are both important. I don't think anyone should be a doormat, nor do I think we should have to drastically change our personalities to suit someone or another's needs. On the other hand, thinking of others before only thinking of ourselves isn't a bad way to go.

I posted a bit ago about being careful. This comes up most often with my students. I am always careful to say things in a constructive way, rather than a negative way. Well, I always try to do that. When my first instinct is to say,
"You are actually going to turn that piece of illegible crap in to me as your essay?" I edit myself to say,
"You know, this looks like a great first draft. Now you're ready to do some editing, aren't you?"

It's part of my job as a teacher. I've let the student know what he or she needs to do next, and I haven't hurt their feelings. Our feelings get hurt enough in this world. It takes a bit more thought to speak this way, but it's worth it in the end.

I used to attend, and then work at a summer camp in the Southern California mountains. There was a group who used to come in and use the camp after our camps had run. They had a big banner they'd put up in the dining hall each August:

"Everyone, at all times, is doing their best."

When I get too judgmental, this is what I try to remember. Even when the person being judged is myself.