Dark Places

I'm gingerly walking around that hole right now.

Being around someone who's feeling low isn't fun... and my friends are proving it. I know I'm a drag to be around right now; and then spending time alone with my head isn't helping the situation any.

Tuesday night I lost it. On the phone with my mother, I was told that my sister wanted me to "plan" the baby shower for her in two weeks because I "love that kind of stuff."


No, not really. Yes, I'm good at it. but I don't live to party plan. Lately it's the last thing I want to do.

I want two full days just to myself. Two days when I don't have to grade papers, or help someone or be somewhere or pay bills or clean the house. And then, I realize I don't want to be alone. I want to be with friends. I want to go with a group to dinner or play poker and laugh my head off.

Neither one of those things is happening right now.

I didn't really lose it because of my sister's request. I lost it because I'm so worried and scared about my friend D. I don't have a family of my own, and while everyone's friends are important to them, to me they are everything. I'm feeling pretty damn fucking alone right now.

Not too dramatic now, am I?

I had tunnel vision during lunch yesterday, then a migraine for 24 hours. That's right people. 24 hours.

It's only the 5th or 6th real one I've had in my life, but a doozy.

Yet I taught through it. Six classes of 32 teenagers.

And here I am, Friday night, ripping my CD's to my computer, and writing a sad little, self-centered post.

Oh yeah, I'm fun stuff.