My friend D goes in on Monday for surgery for his throat cancer. He'll be under the knife for 7-9 hours, with two different surgeons working on him. Then, two weeks minimum in the hospital, barring any complications. I talked to him last night, and even though he was tired, he was upbeat and really sounded good.
I'm trying so hard to be positive and hopeful, and use my thoughts and prayers to send him as much strength as I can, but I'm also scared. And every time I'm scared, or let myself think of the worst that could happen, I feel like I'm betraying him. You know how they tell you that dogs can smell fear, so don't be scared? And that just scared you even more? So you are even more scared of that big black dog that used to bark at you on the way home from school on Padova Road every day? No matter how many times you told yourself you weren't going to run past that chainlink fence, you always did? It's like that.
Every Monday in class I share a poem. It's my sneaky way of teaching them all the forms and poetic terms they need to know without cramming it into a two-week unit. Yesterday I shared one of my favorite poems, Funeral Blues, by W. H. Auden. First period, no problem; It's got an AABB rhyme scheme, it's a lyric poem, it's an Elegy, it uses the devices of metaphor and personification... all that jazz.
Second period? I barely made it through the third stanza before my voice cracked. By the end I even had some girls in the class tearing up along with me. By fifth period, it was already part of school lore: "Ms. S. was crying during class!"
Perhaps it wasn't the best choice.
Then again, why wasn't it? Poetry is important to me because it speaks to me. Not all poetry, if I have to hear Casey at the Bat one more time I'll scream. Those who say they don't like poetry, just haven't heard poetry that means anything to them yet. I've loved this poem for years; yesterday it just hit me a certain way. And isn't that the power of a good poem or book or movie? It touches us, makes us feel we aren't the only ones who feel this way? Or show us a new way to see something? Yes, my students are required by the California State Standards to know the difference between a Sonnet and an Ode... but is that what really counts?
No. It wasn't intentional, but I'm not going to feel bad about showing my human side to my kids. That poem is powerful because it touches me, not because I know what form it takes, or can identify the rhymes in it. My students should see that.
D. was talking last night about how his cancer could be a good thing. How it really pulled out the goodness in people; how the little things (like his being a flake last summer) didn't matter anymore now that something really shitty had happened. How he and his family have been overwhelmed by the outpouring from others. Sure, they expected the phone calls, some cards, but not the people flying out to Seattle, and the gifts and the time. Someone actually sent them an anonymous cashier's check of $1000 to help them through. He didn't expect the words that were said, and the amount of love shown them.
I wish I could say this as well as he did last night, but I can't.
Please though, and I'm speaking to myself right now too, don't dwell on the nonsense in your life. There's so much more to it. I'm not saying it's not fodder for the blog, nor that the ridiculousness in the world needs to be ignored -- I'm just saying, there's so much wonder in the world, take the time to notice it.
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6 comments:
Aw, I like that you showed your human side to the kids. I bet that really engendered you to them.
I'm glad your friend is getting support.
I think it's amazing that you read quality poetry to your students. Even in my high school we only wrote poems - without ever reading examples of good poetry first. It was so ridiculous.
My favorite poets are W. B. Yeats and Edna St. Vincent Millay.
I think that it is good for students to know that their teachers are human.
You have to cut yourself some slack about the "power of positive thinking" stuff. Acknowledging the gravity of the situation is not going to call down the wrath of fate. We can send out positive energy even as we worry. Humans are complex that way.
Okay dear, now that I have wiped my own tears away, here's a little something for you.
My friend J, her husband (who is also a J) was recently diagnosed with throat cancer as well. He just had the surgery a few weeks ago. Due to his amazing attitude, his two week + stay ended up being 11 days. He is astounding the medical team and the cancer clinic people. They say they just don't see his attitude every day. His attitude is what is giving him the strength to beat it. And he will, of this I have no doubt.
It's hard to be strong when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and BAWL but keep your chin up and tell your friend all the things that you want him to know. Don't wait.
Your students are lucky. Only one teacher ever showed emotion around me and that was via throwing staplers and breaking yard sticks! And the only poem I remember starts out with "There once was a man from Nantucket..."
Maybe you taught them that this is what poetry is supposed to do to you...sweep you off your feet and into a sea of emotion.
Hope things go well with your friend. That's a pretty tough thing to deal with.
stumbled across "What lips your lips have kissed" a few days ago and it just cracked open my heart. I love the power of poetry. You are right, I never got that until I was out of HS, and god help me I had to go through a Jim Morrison, poet. phase. It is another example of why you are a great teacher that those kids were allowed to see you touched by that poem.
I think Gayprof is right about the positive thinking stuff, though I have been making headway in the battle to set down fear. Your fear is just your fear though, it isn't going to hurt your friend. Oh darnit, hugs!
And hey, do you love September 1, 1939 by Auden too? Every time I read it, I fall in love with him for his openness. Hey, have you read any Robert Graves on the function of poetry? I love mystic shit wherever I might find it.
PS I despise Blogger's comment verification system.
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