Torn's comment after yesterday's post:
You can't take a drunk person's word seriously. It's the alcohol talking.
I think there's more to it than that. I don't have a drink and become a raving bitch. I don't start spouting racist slurs, or make fun of everyone who doesn't happen to agree with me. I don't belittle others just because I can, and I don't start fights.
It's still the person inside talking. Alcohol just loosens things up a bit. It's not doing the talking.
This isn't to say I'm a lovely drunk. I tend to get weepy much of the time. But, that weepy person is still me, not the three Gin and Tonics I just had. That weepy, whiny person is there all the time, but decorum generally keeps her hidden away.
There's a flirty, almost slutty girl that comes out every once in a while too; and she's me as well. It's the part of me I keep stowed up on a shelf most of the time, since it's not socially acceptable to act like that in general circumstances.
I have never accepted the excuse of "I was drunk" for someone's actions. No, I think alcohol just magnifies certain parts of one's personality. I'm not an asshole in my sober life, and I'm not one in my drunken one.
And this is where the wonder of alcohol begins. When I drink, which I love to do, and do often, it's usually to relax or as part of hanging out with friends. It means I don't have any work to do, my responsibility for the day is over, and I can just be me.
Drinking is usually fun. There are times when I'm tired, or I know I'm emotionally exhausted, when I don't drink, because it won't be fun. I can tell much of the time, when I'm going to be a weepy drunk, and I avoid it. That's not how I want to be spending an evening, and it's certainly not the way my friends want to spend an evening with me. There are also times when I know I've hit my limit, and I don't want to be achy the next day, so I stop.
So, my question is, why do people like my friend's husband keep doing it? Well, yes, of course, the alcoholism part... but more than that. He's unhappy, and gets more unhappy as he drinks. How can it be something he wants to continue to do? That's the core of it. Most of us, if something makes us feel bad, we stop doing it. And yes, I'm not being dense, I'm not ignoring it is a disease... but still.
Smokers know the cigarette is bad for them, but they get a little kick from it, a little buzz. I know too much chocolate cake adds on the pounds, but the little sugar high and the pleasure at the moment of eating it overrides my knowledge. But, if alcohol only makes you unhappy, and gives you a hangover in the morning, why continue to use it?
Even drunk, I'm still me. None of my friends have changed their minds about who I am after they've seen me knock back four or five (and yes, even more) glasses of wine. And my friend's asshole husband?
Sober or not, he's an anus-probe.
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9 comments:
You go!
For me the alcohol was an escape, a way to numb myself, to quiet the nagging voices in my head. Even after the massive hangovers, I still went back.
For him, he may seem unhappy when he's drunk, but maybe it lets him release the anger. Maybe he uses the excuse that he was drunk and doesn't think that's really him. Some people are addicted to being unhappy, so maybe that's part of it, too.
For you, personally I'd like to see more of the flirty, slutty girl peek out. Social acceptance could be considered as much an addiction as anything else. ;)
What is true for you may not be true for everyone. When spouse is drunk, he just goes on and on like you aren't there. I just say, "No more talking" and refuse to listen anymore.I think for some people the alcohol enhances the true self, but for others I think it really changes the person. I'm not making excuses for drunk husband of friend, it's just that I don't think we can always assume our experience is universally applicable.
I agree with Torn. I think different people's bodies process alcohol differently. For some, I think it is the same as poison which leads to really bad behaviors.
This, though, does not excuse those behaviors. If one knows that this is your response to liquor, then it should be your responsibility not to drink (or at least drink in private).
I also agree with Doug (I am in an agreeable mood) -- Let's see more of flirty, slutty girl peeking out from time to time (with or without the liquor).
I wish I knew what to say, having grown up with an drunk dad who acted like an asshole, you'd think I would have some answers. Why do they drink? Because they don't see what we see, they think they are charming and witty and social. Booze twists your perception of reality. My dad has drank for 40+ years and he will never quit. It's taken me about 38 to realize that I can't make him either. Oh my, I think I just turned this into a therapy session.
Your friend staying with her husband enables him to be a complete dipshit. Simple as that.
Sometimes a flirty, slutty girl comes out when I drink TOO! I haven't gotten weepy in a while. I get totally hung over if I drink over my limit, so I try to keep it to a dull roar.
Things I agree with:
Doug -Social acceptance could be considered as much an addiction as anything else. ;)
Torn -it's just that I don't think we can always assume our experience is universally applicable.
Rox -Booze twists your perception of reality.
What terrific and insightful commenters you have!
I have a question for you. What do you mean by "flirty, slutty girl"? I mean, I used to work out my childhood sexual abuse issues by having inappropriate (and dangerous) sex, but it is true that there was a huge range between that behavior and just flirting which felt wildly uncomfortable to me.
Torn's ex taught me that alcohol is beyond the rational control of the alcoholic. I really didn't believe it until him. Also, do you remember that post I wrote on the spirit of alcohol? I suspect that they call it "spirits" for a more direct reason that we might imagine.
Alcohol pulls away the restraint of decorum, to let the truest, uncensored person out.
Unfortunately it's not usually a good thing.
I normally get more easy-going, chatty, flirty and giggly with booze.
My innerself is a toy.
I tend to agree with you that alcohol doesn't change the true you, but at the same time, after a while it does erode it. I have a friend who's brain is mush now.
On another note, I love your description of the guy as an anus-probe. That term will not enter my vocab.
From my own varied and extensive experiences with alcohol, both as an abuser of it and a voyeur of other abusers, I can say that there is a point to be reached in consumption where the light/social drinker cannot go, without puking or passing out, at which a person becomes toxic and is no longer an expansion of their true self. It is not pretty, and I can honestly say that any of us has the capacity to become that ugly on the outside when we become that toxic from abuse. It can morph a person out of what they were truly meant to be and turn them into someone else if it goes on unchecked for too long. He sounds like one of these people. Not fun to be around, no, not one little bit. Quite yukky, in fact, but a sad and lost soul nonetheless. Your friend, I don't know how she does it. Devo
Oops - I meant that anus-probe will NOW enter my vocab, not 'not'
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