I don't have a "clique"

Those kids in school? The Jocks, the Soshes (short for "Sociable," the "in" crowd), the Loadies (stoners), the Smacks (smart kids), the Theater Geeks,the Richie Riches?

I didn't have a group. Yeah, I was in the choir, but in and of itself, it wasn't a clique. I was on the swim team, but junior varsity. I took AP English, but got kicked out of the honor society for my grades in Spanish (took me four years to complete two years of high school Spanish with Mr. Ochi. But that's a whole other post).

I had friends. It's not like I sat in my car at lunch every day to eat my sack lunch. One, I didn't have a driver's license in high school, let alone a car, and two, I was far too lazy to have ever packed a lunch. I was always annoying my friends, "Are you going to finish that? I'll have it if you aren't." What a leech I could be.


Lately I've been thinking about which group would identify me as a member. Middle-age? Maybe. I'm not quite to what I hope is my middle age, but on the other hand... Let's see. Single? That's a group that gets unpleasant at my age. Single, Never Married? Ouch. More to the point, and also very unpleasant.

There is something very wrong with being single and never married in the society in which we live. If I was divorced, I'd at least have shown that someone desired me for his one and only at least once in my life, and if I was divorced, I'd have an excuse for being single.

At almost 42 (only ten more shopping days), I'm out of excuses.

Everyone seems to have advice. Which in turn, reinforces that I'm in a situation that is wrong. "You're trying too hard," "You have to put yourself out there," "Join the Unitarian church (swing dance class, Habitat for Humanity, harmony.com)," "When it's supposed to happen, it'll happen," and my personal favorite, "Don't worry about it."

No, it's not a group that has flags and parades and banners, and political fights about anything. I've not heard of "Single Pride," probably because it's not something most are proud of, nor is it something most folk want to continue being.

Sure, there are those who prefer a solitary life, I've just never met them (due to the aforementioned solitary life).

I buy into this idea as much as the next person. Can't seem to shake it. There's something wrong with a person who is single at my age and doesn't want to be. I actually only know two other people my age who have been single all along. One is an angry, controlling woman who scares men to death, and the other is a very uninteresting, dare I say it? dull person. See, harsh judgment on my part. Harsh, and not charitable at all.


What's my reason? We feel a need to make excuses. Going back to something being wrong with being single. Remember, I'm not talking about sex here. Sex, by itself, is always accessible. It's just that now, I'm not interested in just sex for it's own sake. I can take care of that quickly and by myself, if that's all I'm looking for.

And, it goes back to something deeper. Identity. I hate that my identity seems to be tied up right now with my single status, and the flaws I must possess that being single at my age imply. Most of my friends aren't single. They have all the advice. Problem is, I'm up to here with advice. Besides, they aren't single. They don't know, and don't want to know, what it feels like to still be alone. They want to fix it, but they don't want to hear me.

Boy, I woke up in a mood today, didn't I?