The Movies

What they taught me:

When you want to emphasize something, repeat it.

If you’re fat, you’d better be funny.

Cool people only shop at boutiques.

Always have a place to throw your keys when you walk in the door.

All good apartments have hardwood floors.

Staring deeply at someone for at least 5 seconds means you are about to kiss them.

Old women in housecoats are always nosy.

If you take a bath, always have lots of lit candles around.


What they taught me which later I found out wasn't true:

No one ever slobbers when kissing.

Only drug addicts have bad hair days.

Someone else always picks up the dog doo and cleans the litter box.

Crime doesn’t pay.

Teachers are either evil or self-sacrificing martyrs.

Any problem can be solved in 2 hours and 20 minutes.

People with money are shallow.

You can transform the “plain” girl by taking off her glasses, putting mousse in her hair, and giving her a pair of high heels.

All New Yorkers have 7 locks on their front doors.

If you want to steal computer files from and office, just dress up like the cleaning crew.

When two people of the opposite sex are yelling at each other, they end up making out on the floor.

Men with mullets beat their wives and drink Budwieser.


What they didn’t teach me:

One can attend four years of college without smoking pot, getting pregnant, or attending a fraternity party.

Sometimes, you don’t talk to your seatmate on the plane.

Very silly sounds happen during sex.

Some adults dislike coffee.

High school reunions are usually held at the Elk’s Club and still revolve around the popular kids.

Eating lobster with a bib is rarely sexy.

No one sits on a window seat, looking wistfully out at the rain.

True love does not always conquer all.