Passion Party

"Nipple Nibblers"

That's the name of one of the items I could have bought Friday night at Mary's house. She hosted a Passion Party; kind of like a tupperware party for sex stuff. I tried to get out of going, but couldn't come up with a good enough reason (unlike Montreal, a simple "no" would have been rude).

The invitation said it started at 6pm, however I was the first one to arrive. "Sorry" Mary said, "I told some people it wasn't starting until 6:30." Great. Where's the booze? I need a drink.

Mary made Mojitos, but used about 1/2 cup of rum for two pitchers of them, so they were basically very tasty soft drinks. There were brownies and cookies as well. Of course, I hadn't eaten dinner, since I had hurried over to get there at six, but I dealt.

We were all handed catalogues and order forms at the beginning of the sales pitch. We started off with just the sugar scrub and the body wash with phermones... $18 for body wash? Whatever. Then on to the edible, lickable stuff. Like the above mentioned product. Anna, the sales rep said to "just lift up your shirt and rub it on your nipple."

Um? I don't get embarrassed easily, as anyone can attest, but I'm getting uncomfortable with this. I don't do it. Anna said it was a great lip balm as well. I rubbed a bit on my lip instead. Orange mint flavor. Not bad.

So it goes. We then taste all the flavored lubes, which aren't bad, but what the hell need do I have for a flavored lube? Next is "Pure Satisfaction," a gel that's supposed to enhance sexual arousal and satisfaction. This time, she puts a drop on our fingers and says, "now go into another room by yourself and rub this on your clitoris."

What?

Good god. But of course we dutifully go and do as we are told. Everyone's coming back into the living room; "oo, it feels warm," "It feels a little like menthol," "I get a cooling kinda feeling."

Me? Nothing. I feel nothing. My clitoris is broken.

I'm frustrated already as it is. I haven't had sex in over 5 years (At least with anyone else in the room). Now I find out that I can't even feel this stuff that everyone is commenting on. That's supposed to last for up to 12 hours.

On the other hand, arousal for me is not something I really want to enhance. It's not a problem in the first place, and in the second, I've got no one with whom to share aforesaid arousal, enhanced or otherwise.

We move on to the toys. Okay, maybe I'll find something I like here. There are all kinds of vibrators and dildos and cock rings (didn't look too closely at those) to be bought. There's some little thing called The Bullet... which looks like a metal ob tampon... not something I want up inside me. Most of them are made out of "jelly vinyl" which has this horrid, petrochemically smell to it. Some definitely looking interesting, but most are rather frightening. And the price tags! The "Escalating Elephant", is $153. I only paid $29.95 for my coffee table, and I use that everyday.

I did learn something though. I commented on how weird it was that so many of the toys had little faces or animals on them. Anna told us that most are made in Japan, where it's illegal to make anything in the shape of human genitals, so they create these other images to get around the rules.

In the end I bought nothing.

I did win a sample size of raspberry flavored Nipple Nibbler though. Guess I'll have no need for that waxy old chapstick anymore.